Scru The Fruit!

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if hes cute scru the fruit!

Humorous Facts

More people are killed by pigs or falling coconuts than shark attacks.

The Bible has been translated into Klingon.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.

Internationally, Baywatch is the most popular TV show in history.

Laws that R just stupid!!

All of the following laws are real.
(Apparently, they were passed long ago and nobody ever got around to nipping them in the bud.)

California
It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license.
Women may not drive in a house coat.

New Jersey
You cannot pump your own gas.
All gas stations are full service only.
In Ocean City, it is against the law to slurp your soup at a restaurant.

New York
It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.
The penalty for jumping off a building is death.

Florida
It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

Ohio
Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
It is illegal to get a fish drunk.

Kansas
Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights.
No one may catch fish with his bare hands.

Oklahoma
Violators can be arrested and/or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.
State law prohibits anyone taking a bite out of another's hamburger.

Alabama
It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.
Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.

Wisconsin
In Racine, it is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep.
Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.

Virginia
It is illegal to sell peanut brittle on Sundays.
Flipping a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for coffee is outlawed.

this was sent to my email by funnies.com

A stupid funny joke!

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a big dent in that pile." So the foreman went away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese fella that he awasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I nocouldafinda him nowhere!" Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile?" The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah could nay get me self a
shoovel! Ye left the Chinese guy in chairge of supplies, boot ahcouldnay fin' him either." The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells "SUPPLIES"!

My apoligies to anyone who is offended by this joke! i assure you it it just a joke and not ment to be taken in any racisist manner!

apples and grapes! (a cute and funny idea of women and men) READ!

Women Are Like Apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy......

So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Share this with other women who are good apples, even those who have already been picked.

As for men...

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the heck out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

debation over custidy!

A man and his wife were in the court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child.
>
>The wife, jumping up and down, said: "Your Honor. I brought the child into the world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody."
>
>
>The judge turns to the husband and says: "What do you have to say in Your defence?"
>
>
>The man sat for a while contemplating.. then slowly rose: "Your Honor. If I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out.. whose Pepsi is it .. the machine's or mine?"

I do not agree with this but it is quite funny!! so laugh it up!!

The fastest! (funny and disturbing)

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask
them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the
way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That'svery good!" replied the interviewer.
"And now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm....let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer."The blink of an eye... that's a very popular cliche for speed."
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply."Well,out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed
of light" he said. Turning to the fourth and final man, the
interviewer posed the same question. The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers,
it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA." "WHAT!?"said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE
LIGHT, I had already shit my pants!" HE GOT THE JOB!!

Divorced Barbie!

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the shopping center and ran to the toy shop and asked the manager: "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The manager replied:
Which one? We have:
Barbie goes to the gym for 19.95
Barbie goes to the ball for 19.95
Barbie goes shopping for 19.95
Barbie goes to the beach for 19.95
Barbie goes to the nightclub for 19.95n and
Divorced Barbie for $375.00
"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" the dad asked. "Divorced Barbie comes withKen's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's dog,Ken's cat and Ken's furniture..."))))

<>

With come backs!

1.) Male: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Female: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

2.) Male: Is this seat empty?
Female: Yes, and mine will be if you sit down.

3.) Male: Your place or mine?
Female: Both. You go to yours and I'll go mine.

4.) Male: So, what do you do for a living.
Female: I'm a female impersonator.

5.) Male: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Female: DO NOT ENTER.

6.) Male: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Female: Unfertilized.

7.) Male: Your body's like a temple
Female: Sorry, there are no services today.

8.) Male: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Female: But would you please stay there?

9.) Male: If I saw you naked, I'd die happy.
Female: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing.

Pass it on!!

The funny way of looking at friendship!

Friendship is like pissing your pants.
Everyone can see it,
but only you can feel it's true warmth.
Thank you for being the
piss in my pants.

Pass it on. .

translations for Guy and Girls!

Girls' English

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now!

" Do what u want" = You'll pay 4 this later!

We need to talk" = I need to bitch.

"Sure......Go ahead" = I don't want you too.

" I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, u stupid moron!

" How much do u love me?" = I did something today your not goin' like me 4.

"Is my butt fat?" = Tell me i'm beautiful.

" You have to learn to communicate!" = Just agree with me.

" Are you listening to me?" = Too late, you're dead!

Guy's English

" I'm hungry" = I'm hungry

" I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy

" I'm tired " - I'm tired

" Do you want to go to a movie?" = I wanna make out with you

" Can I take you to dinner?" = I wanna make out with you

" Can I call you sometime?" = I want to make out with you

" May I have this dance?" = I wanna make out with you

"Nice dress" = Nice cleavage.

" You look tensed, let me give you a massage" = I wanna make out with you

" What's wrong? " = What meaningless self inflicted pshychological trauma are you going through now?

" What's wrong?" = Maybe if I act like I care you will make out with me

"I'm bored" = Wanna make out?

" I love you" = I wanna make out

" I love you too" = Okay i said it we'd better make out now!

" Let's talk" = I am tryin' to impress you by shown that I'm a deep person and maybe then you'd like to make out with me!

kids in grade school think fast!

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.

TEACHER: What sign
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
_____________

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your multiplication On the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
_____________

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
_____________

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!

TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
______________
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
______________

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't

have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
_____________

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
______________

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...

TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_____________

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same
time."
_____________

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father
didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
______________

TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
_______________

TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
______________

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are
no > longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
______________

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

lessons in logic!

If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.

.........................................................................

I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.

.........................................................................


Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?

.........................................................................


If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

.........................................................................


Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

.........................................................................


How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

.........................................................................


Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.

.........................................................................


One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

.........................................................................


Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

.........................................................................


Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.

.........................................................................


The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.

.........................................................................


Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

.........................................................................


Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.

.........................................................................


"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep

.........................................................................


There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning

.........................................................................


"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk

.........................................................................


"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours

.........................................................................


God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.

.........................................................................


The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.


.........................................................................

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........

Guaranteed weight loss!! funny

A guy was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks.As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he saw an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. "Guaranteed? Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program. The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought he takes off after
her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20
pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?", asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine!